Juvenilities Full Monty Style - Cat vs Dog
Mr Cat, is it true that dogs are better than cats?
Now you listen boy, I will tell you the real facts. Cats are quicker and stronger and don't need an owner to tell them when and where to pee. We do however sleep like 16 hours a day. So in order to keep us in shape dogs were put on this planet. We let you dogs think you are better than us cats when you hunt us down but in fact we're just playing around with you. To keep in shape so to say.
Now go back to your mom so I can rest again for another hour or 3, enjoy a good meal and some milk, relieve myself without being leashed and sleep again for a few hours.
Mom, mom WAKE UP! Mom, I know what I want to be when I have grown up!
It's a secret so I have to whisper it in your ear.
I will be quick, independent, able to relieve myself when and wherever I want. I will also enjoy good meals and milk, stay in shape, play around and all I have to do for that is sleep 16 hours a day!
As a mom I can only admit he isn't as bright as he looks. He has been doing these things for the past 4 weeks allready! |
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Puff Grooming Full Monty Style - Real low maintenance
 | First we wash the dirty puffer. That doesn't need to take long at all with a normal waterhose, let alone with a power washer like the ones from Kärcher. Kärcher applies most of their machines with a shampoo input, for deepcleaning so to speak. |
 | After the shampooing rinse good and one can also decide to clean the teeth at this point. (Note: Author did not try this with Kärcher machine, and can't be
hold responsible for any damage done to the elements by this machine).
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Almost done. Only one thing left to do and that is getting the puff dry. Some may know how long that takes with a blowdryer, so here's the Full Monty solution:
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 | Place dog in wind in stack position and let nature deal with it! Go inside, make yourself a cup of coffee and relax. Now you may need to turn the dog a bit after a while to really get the best look on your puff if the wind comes from one direction only. If not, you're the lucky one and can have a second cup if you wish.
After 15 minutes call the dog in, do NOT forget this. If one should forget .... |
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... big chance you can start all over again!
Good luck! |
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Dental Care Full Monty Style - Hoy and the new speed record
 | Poor Hoy, he had to pay a visit to the dentist. Not something he really looked forward to, but brave as he is he reluctantly stepped into the consulting room.
For a moment he had it hard when he was looking at all these horrible machines. The dentist fiercely tried to catch the boy. |
 | After a swift chase about the room the dentist finally got a hold of the boy.
"No! No! Let me go!", Hoy screamed at the top of his lungs, "I don't want this, I want to go home!" |
 | The dentist succeeds in calming Hoy down a bit and helps him onto the chair.
"So boy, open your mouth for me, about this wide", the dentist speaks calmy to Hoy. |
 | Hoy does as he is asked and the dentist regrets it immediately, the smell made his hair stand on end (figuratively of course, after all it's a sphynx we talk about).
"My oh my, what a smell!" the dentist sighs, "this needs to be fixed, this is just unbareble! |
 | "Oh, now I see, you have a rotten molar. I'll need to pull that one out. There's no other option."
Hoy, as brave as he has been all this time, didn't hesitate a single second..... |
 | Vrooooom, gone he was.
This is the last we saw of Hoy that day.
A new speed record is now behind his name.
What a dumb cottonball... |
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Showing up Full Monty Style - I had a dream
| Hi! My name is Calvin Klein and I had a dream.
For as long as I can remember I wanted to be an actor. Not in Sesamy Street, no I like the more serious stuff. You know, being the hero and such...I was thinking more in the line of Lassie films, saving peoples lifes, maybe even a nice bitch out of the hands of a rude and overactive RSPCA guy or something.
Allready early in my existence I started to act. In the beginning only a bit nervous and up (hehehe a joke out of my stand up comedian time, worked very well allthough I always had to pause there for a few secs to let the human brain connect the dots... Please take your time). But soon I took my dream somewhat more seriously.
You can't even imagine how happy I was when I discovered that my boss discovered I could be discovered. I had potential she said, a real showboy if I studied hard enough... So being convinced she and I where on the same level I really, really started to do my best, not only acting like I did before. |
| The first days at school were hard but I managed to keep up. No more nights out with the boys and impressing girls (which was actually the hardest part of it all. After all I saved a lot of girls out of the grabby hands of my friends and allready got a name of being a rescue dog. The best way to start a show carreer, I can tell you that).
It was the second week of getting up at 6 and go to school at 7 that problems arrose. All days my head was being poluted by all this useless information you probably won't ever need in real life, let alone in the movies.
I couldn't keep up with school anymore.
I wanted to play Einstein, not become him.
So I quit school. Back to real life soap I went. |
| I needed a personal trainer, someone who could help me get fit for some serious action movies. I soon found one.
You all know Jake Steinfeld, right? Personal fitness trainer of Hollywood stars, maker of the three solid workouts on one dynamic DVD 'Total Body Workout'. Come on, think!
I met the neighbour of the uncle of the man who actually watched this DVD. His name is Ben.
Ben said it's all about appearances, or better, keeping them up. Now that was one hell of a tv show I replied, Aunt Hyacinth never met you right? Ben:"Aunt who?"
After some awkward days of fitness training that looked more like overpriced dancing lessons that had Fred Astair crying in his grave, I said goodbye to Ben. |
| I needed balance. Not only in my personal life, but also complete control over every muscle in my body. So out went the squats every so many hours near a tree, in came the lifts. It was at this point that my boss started to look at me again, she screamed of disgust when she saw me training that day.
So that was a big set back in my training schedule for I now had to hide my balance sessions.
I worked out hard those days, driven to get to that point of getting my first real action.
I even watched my diet. Just for a second before I scarfed it down. I still have no clue what the point in that would be though, watching your diet... |
| One day at breakfast, still watching my food for a bit there, my boss suddenly opened her mouth and said: "Boy, soon you will have your first appearance. You have been training so hard lately, you probably are looking forward to this opportunity?"
You just cannot imagine the flow of adrenaline rushing through my body! My muscles pumped up like crazy, I felt like Bruce Banner without getting green (I hope).
From total elation I made a sound that could have inspired Edgar Rice Burroughs to create Tarzan if he hadn't done so years before. |
| I ran outside and started the last week of exercises, to get in such a good condition that Captain Ahab himself would have hired me without hesitation on his quest of glory.
His day would have had a happier ending if he had done so...Just look at me! Mile after mile I ran, so fast and smooth that Haile Gebre Selassi took my training advice and became the new world champion a few months later.
I was prepared to the fullest, I was ready for my very first appearance, nothing could stop me from becomming more famous than the famous Mr. Ed! ... or could it? |
Appearance she said! Potential! I thought we where on the same level! I trained for this?For this???
Oh Bummers |
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